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Recovery Pages		Kick back with your coffee and enjoy yourself.
"You can't keep what you have unless you give it away..."

"Am I"

am i?

can i be?

will i ever be?

have i ever been?

is it really possible that,

i am?

1982
copyright



ACTIVE ADDICTION		This was written during the years of my active addiction that I used drugs. At first it was fun being "apart of" with people that I felt were my friends, getting high. After some time passed, I began using drugs when I was alone. Then there came the progression of the disease when I started hiding the drugs from my using buddies so that they wouldn't use my drugs up and I would be stuck without anything to get high with. Then came the times when I ran out but had to have something and resorted to seperating out the "tiny time capsules" that came in the Contact caps so that I could get a buzz. I still didn't have a problem. . .
NO FEELINGS		The confusion, paranoia, the dis-belief of reality and hiding from reality snowballed. Throughout it all was the hole in my gut that nothing, in the end, could fill. Not drugs. Not possessions. Not relationships. This was how I WAS (not how I felt, because I used in the end, so that I couldn't feel) before finding the 12 Step Program of Narcotics Anonymous, and recovery from active addiction.
NARCOTICS ANONYMOUS		Since coming to Narcotics Anonymous I'm learning all sorts of things: How to live without drugs That "life" isn't out to get me I don't have to be paranoid all the time "Friends" doesn't mean trying to use you/them for whatever they/you can get Life is worth living "God" doesn't mean religion "God" does mean Spirituality "Praying" doesn't mean "get me out of this situation!" Spiritual Principles (Honesty, Openmindnedness, Willingness, Gratitude, etc.) How to fill up the hole in my gut that, in the past, nothing could fill Living life on life's terms God does answer my prayers Life can be fun without drugs I am not a bad person It goes on and on...
ADDICTION		There is more to the disease of addiction that "just" using drugs. Using drugs was just the most obvious symptom. My addiction, which is three-fold (obsession, compulsion and self centered), can manifast itself in many ways: eating; relationships; playing; reading; watching TV; spending money; etc., most anything that can make me feel good, or gets me outside of myself that I do to avoid or forget something else. If it is directed totally at myself, I focus on it and I just `have' to do it, then whatever it is can and will get me into trouble because it is my disease of addiction running rampent.
CURE ?		There is no magic "cure" for the disease of addiction. The cycle of addiction can be arrested, stop using drugs, and recovery from the disease of addiction is possible with the 12 Step program of Narcotics Anonymous. After I stopped using drugs and started working the program, I discovered that using drugs was just a symptom and there were other parts of my life, the way I was living, the way that I precieved life, people, places and things that also needed changing but I couldn't have seen that until I broke the cycle and started living a whole new way of life.

MORE will be revealed...

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